Bitter Wild Page 12

  She called a halt to her thoughts. He wasn’t going to get any time or experience. As soon as they caught up to Russell Jester, Jack Hall and all the other federal agents would leave. Jack would go back to the city and probably forget all about his adventure in the wilderness. He’d forget about her. And that was exactly the way it should be. He might be adapting well to the rough living, but that wouldn’t change what he was. She knew the life he was accustomed to living. The fact that she’d been born in the mountains didn’t mean she had no experience of the rest of the world. She’d gone to college in the city, mainly because it had been the only place she could go and partly because she’d wanted to see what city life was like. She’d learned quickly that it moved with lightning speed and enough noise to drive a person mad. That was the place Jack was from. Glitzy restaurants and nightclubs. Twenty-four hour a day activity. He’d go crazy in less than a month in Decatur. There was one restaurant, a diner that served the basics, but nothing fancy. There was one bar in town that had live music two Saturdays a month. There was a movie theater in the next county that played films roughly a year after they debuted elsewhere. The closest thing Decatur had to offer to live theater was the Christmas pageant the school put on each year. In short, Jack Hall would die of boredom. She opened her eyes, pushing the oddly unpleasant train of thought away as he spoke.

  “Why don’t you get some sleep? You must be exhausted.”

  “I’ve been sleeping for a day and a half.”

  He shook his head. “You’ve been delirious for a day and a half. It’s hardly the same thing.”

  She met his gaze. “Did I give you any trouble?”

  He immediately thought of the ache he’d spent the night fighting after he’d felt her naked body pressed against him. He shook his head. “Not really, though you were pretty fitful.”

  She frowned. “How so?”

  Jack knew this was the moment he could ask about Andy and the scars on her body. It would be perfectly natural to ask questions. But he suddenly realized that he no longer felt so compelled to ferret out all her secrets. He knew what he needed to know about her and that was enough. He shook his head. “You just didn’t rest well, that’s all.”

  He wasn’t telling her everything. She could see it in his face. She tried to imagine what she might have said or done during the fever. Almost immediately she realized that there would only have been one thing on her mind. She sighed. He’d seen the scars, but he hadn’t asked about them. She knew enough about him to realize that was out of character. He always asked why and how. She couldn’t believe he’d suddenly lost that need to know.

  “What did I say?”

  “It doesn’t matter. You were sick.”

  “Come on, Jack. Tell me what I said.”

  He locked his gaze on her. “You don’t have to do this, you know. I don’t expect it.”

  “It’s okay.”

  He nodded. “You talked about someone named, Andy. You kept saying it was your fault.”

  She felt her heart rate jump at the mere mention of his name. She nodded, but took a few moments to fight past the emotion that clogged her throat. She finally drew a long, slow breath and told him the story.

  “His name was Andrew McAllister. Sam McAllister, the man who provided the horse you were riding, is his father. Andy and I grew up together. Sam used to act as a guide in these parts and he started taking us into the woods with him when we were both kids. I guess you could say he was the one who put the love of the mountains in my soul. Andy and I played here. We lived here. We camped and hunted and tracked all over these mountains. By the time we were in our teens there wasn’t anyone in the state who knew this corner of the Rockies like we did. People came to us when someone was lost. Fish and wildlife used us to track down poachers.

  “I suppose it was entirely natural for us to fall in love with each other. We were so close that sometimes I thought we might truly be one soul split into two bodies. We went to college away from here, but neither one of us could stay gone for long. When we came back we both swore we’d never leave again. When he asked me to marry him I didn’t even consider saying no. But I had this silly notion that I wanted to get married in the winter, when the snow blanketed the mountains. We planned to marry at Christmas.”

  Jack could see the pain in her eyes and he shook his head, wanting to tell her to stop. She either didn’t understand or didn’t see the motion, though, because she continued as he saw tears fill her eyes.

  “It was spring, earlier than now, but the weather had been unseasonably warm. We decided to take a ride into the trees, to go on a picnic. We went to a favorite spot and laid out a blanket. We’d just started pulling out the food when the bear charged us.”

  Jack felt himself flinch in shock. Her tears were pouring down her pale face. She shook her head, closing her eyes briefly. “It hit me first, knocking me to the ground before taking hold of my leg. Then Chance went after it. It would have killed him right off if it had the use of both its arms. One of them was badly mangled, though. It had tangled with another bear or some other big animal and the arm was broken and infected. It let me go to take on Chance and I heard Andy screaming at me to move.

  “I didn’t have my rifle with me. It was more than a dozen feet away, leaning against a tree. I started crawling toward it and I heard Chance yelp. I knew it was going to come after me again. Then Andy started shooting with the handgun. It drew the bear away from me. I heard it scream and then I heard the handgun go silent and Andy started screaming. I finally got to the rifle and managed to put the animal down. It was too late for Andy, though. He was dead before I could get to him.

  “I can’t remember a lot of the details after that. One of the horses broke its tether and ran. They tell me that I somehow managed to get Andy and myself onto the other animal and ride out of the woods. I was unconscious when they found us. By the time I woke up a week later in the hospital, Andy had been buried and everyone was calling me a hero for surviving.” He saw the self-recrimination in her gaze. “I was no hero. If I’d been more careful, Andy wouldn’t have died. I should have had the rifle within reach. It was my carelessness that cost the man I loved his life.”

  Jack couldn’t believe she was serious. He shook his head. “No. The bear cost Andy his life. My God, Casey, how could you have known something like that would happen?”

  “I don’t know! But I should have been prepared. I should have moved faster or noticed the horses were nervous. I should have done something different.”

  Now he understood why she’d reacted the way she had when he’d been face to face with the cat. Her anger made sense. Her insistence that he and Skip were her responsibility. She was still trying to atone for something that wasn’t even her fault.

  “Listen to me, Casey. What happened to you and your fiancé wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. You said it yourself. Nature takes no prisoners. I’ve seen enough in the past few days to understand just how true that is. You might be the best guide in the state, but you’re only human. And forgive me if this seems indelicate, but you weren’t the only guide there that day. Why didn’t your fiancé have the rifle close at hand? If you’re going to blame yourself for not thinking of that, then he has to take some of that blame as well.”

  Casey shook her head. “He died protecting me.”

  Jack nodded. “Yes, and you feel guilty because you lived and he didn’t. That’s perfectly natural, honey. It’s called survivor’s guilt. You aren’t the only person who’s had to deal with it. My first partner was a year shy of retirement when I was assigned to him. He was good, and he taught me a lot. But then a bust went bad and we got caught in a firefight the likes of which I still have never experienced since. He took a bullet to the head and I walked away without a single scratch. It took me years to fully come to terms with the guilt I felt. He left behind a wife, three kids and two grandchildren. I didn’t have anyone who would miss me. It didn’t seem right.

  “I finally figured out t
hat right and wrong had nothing to do with it. He died and I lived. Call it fate or divine intervention or just plain luck. Whatever the reason, it was a fact and I had to accept it and go on with my life. You’ve got to do the same thing. If you don’t, the guilt will eat you up inside until you can’t function any longer.”

  Casey wanted to tell him that she didn’t need him to psychoanalyze her, but she knew he was right. The psychologist who’d spoken to her soon after she woke in the hospital had told her much the same thing. Knowing something rationally and putting it into practice weren’t the same thing, though. She was hoping that coming back into the woods was the first step toward reaching the acceptance she knew she had to find.

  “I hadn’t been back into these woods until the day I led you in.”

  Jack frowned at her. “What?”

  “I tried a couple of times, but I couldn’t overcome the fear. Every time I’d get near the trees I’d remember the screams and the pain and I’d run the other way. When Stan called that morning, I was determined to tell him no. John was furious that he’d even asked. But Stan wouldn’t let it drop. He insisted that I could do it, that I had to do it. He all but demanded that I come down to the station to at least hear him out.

  “It was you who convinced me that he was right. You forced me to accept that Jester might somehow survive and if he did, he’d certainly kill again. I couldn’t just stand by and let that happen. I agreed because it was the only way to protect all the people Jester might potentially kill. I did it for the people he’d already killed. For Millie. But most of all I did it for myself. Because I knew it was past time that I faced my fears and took back my life.”

  Jack didn’t know whether to be angry that they hadn’t told him the truth or awed over the seeming ease with which she’d dealt with her fear. Looking back, he had no trouble seeing the evidence of her anxiety. He also suspected that if he’d been told all the details of the situation, he would have jumped to some bad conclusions. He wouldn’t have trusted her to hold up under the pressure. He’d have insisted that she wasn’t capable of doing the job and he’d have been wrong.

  “I’m glad you’ve crossed that line. It would be a shame for your skills to be lost to something as pointless as misplaced guilt.”

  “I still feel guilty. I think I always will. But at least I’m able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.”

  Jack wanted to ask her if John was that light. Was he the man who’d helped her deal with her grief? Had he made her want to live again? Now that he knew the truth, Jack could almost understand why John was so cautious with her. She was still grieving for a man she obviously believed had been the love of her life. No doubt John and Casey both felt it would be wise to go slowly. Jack did his best to ignore the voice in his head that said they were wrong. Casey was too alive, too vibrant and passionate to ever be satisfied with a long, slow courtship. She needed someone to sweep her off her feet. Someone who would share her passion for living. He dropped his gaze from hers as that little voice suggested he might be that man.

  Jack steered the conversation away from personal topics after that. He was finding that he liked talking to her too much. It was easy to forget that they weren’t just a man and a woman who were attracted to each other. And he felt certain the attraction was mutual. He knew it would be a mistake to give in to that attraction. They were from two different worlds. He had no intention of leaving his and he wouldn’t dream of taking her away from hers. Any intimate involvement between them would just lead to a lot of grief for them both. He might be able to keep his emotions out of it. He didn’t even begin to wonder if she could, though. He knew the answer already. Casey wouldn’t give herself to any man without her emotions being fully involved. She wasn’t the kind of woman a man entertained for a night, then walked away from. She’d expect more and Jack simply wasn’t willing to give it. So he asked her about the trail up ahead, the weather, how she intended to pick up Jester’s trail now that the rain and snow had obliterated it. Anything to keep her from revealing more of her heart and soul to him. He let her laugh at him as he cautiously tasted the rabbit once it had finished cooking. He told her about some of his more adventuresome cases and admitted that this one was going to be at the top of the list. He helped her get the bedrolls straightened out and then he watched her sleep. And the whole time he kept telling himself that he was doing the right thing.

  Casey came awake with a start. She looked around the cave, breathing a sigh of relief when her gaze landed on Jack. He was sleeping a few feet away and she stared at him for a while, watching the play of the firelight across his features. He looked tired, even asleep. There were shadows beneath his eyes and he hadn’t shaved since they’d started tracking Jester. She sat upright, reaching out to rest her hand on Chance’s shoulders when he lifted his head to see what was wrong. She noticed that her hand was shaking. She’d spent months dreaming about the bear and Andy after the attack. She used to wake up screaming. She couldn’t remember how many times John had come into her room and held her while she cried. She knew her brother’s presence was the only thing that kept her sane during those first dark weeks and months. She would never be able to repay him for the sacrifices she knew he’d made to be there for her. He’d had a promising career on the rodeo circuit but he’d left it all behind to come home and take care of her and their parents’ ranch.

  Since the attack he’d become her rock. He’d also become her guardian. He’d wanted to strangle Stan when the sheriff called to tell them that they needed her help. They’d only found out about Millie a couple of hours before. And after the confrontation with Jack, John had done everything he could to talk her out of working with the federal agent. She knew John would be worried sick about her out in this weather with just Jack to back her up. She was going to have to make a point of telling him how Jack had saved her life. She didn’t know why she wanted to defend him to her brother. She knew there was no future for her and Jack. There was tension between them that she recognized as sexual in nature. It had been there from the first moment their eyes met. But she wasn’t a one night stand kind of woman and she suspected that he liked his affairs with no strings. She couldn’t seem to help being attracted to him, though. And she knew she was in danger of letting it go beyond simple physical awareness.

  She’d woken because she’d been dreaming about the bridge. Only this time she hadn’t moved fast enough. The supports had gone and she’d watched Jack fall to his death. It was just a dream, but it had shaken her to her core. Because she couldn’t imagine trying to live with his death. She’d watched Andy die and on the day she agreed to lead Jack and his partner into the woods she’d sworn to herself that it would never happen again. As she watched Jack sleep, she reiterated that vow. Jack Hall would get the chance to tell the story of his adventure in the western woods. He’d get to return to his city and to all the things he loved about it. He’d survive, whatever it took.

  The temperature started rising the next afternoon. By the time darkness fell, the snow was melting fast. To Jack’s chagrin, Chance produced another rabbit around that time. He had to admit that the meat was tasty, though he wasn’t sure if he’d have felt that way under different circumstances. Next to the dried jerky he’d been living on for the past days, anything would have probably tasted spectacular. Casey dressed the animal, only teasing Jack a little when he staunchly refused to help. He’d eat it because he was hungry and desperate. That didn’t mean he wanted any part in skinning the fluffy little thing. He watched her work, relieved to see that much of the weakness that had plagued her the day before was gone. She looked tired though, as if she hadn’t slept well. After everything she’d been through he supposed it made sense for her to show some signs of exhaustion. He was starting to think that once this manhunt ended he’d go to bed and not wake up for a week. He shoved away the instant flash of heat that arrowed to his groin as he pictured climbing into that bed with Casey. It was getting harder and harder for him to keep his thoughts from stray
ing into dangerous territory.

  Being stuck in the cave had left them with little to do other than talk. And talk they had. He’d told her about his childhood. Revealing parts of his past that he wasn’t sure he’d ever told anyone. It was crazy, but he couldn’t seem to help telling her about his father’s untimely death and his mother’s determination to support herself and her young son without turning to her wealthy family. Her own parents had turned their backs on her when she insisted on marrying a lowly cop. She’d had some money from a trust fund set up by her grandmother, but it wasn’t anything compared to the millions her father claimed as his assets. The supercilious old bastard had cut her off without a dime on the day she married Jack’s father and his mother had never spoken to him again. Jack explained how his mother’s strength and determination had inspired him to never settle for anything less than his best. He even talked about the grief that still clung to him more than a dozen years after his mother’s death. He never talked about the bitter loneliness his mother’s death had spawned in him. He hadn’t even talked about it to Skip. Looking into Casey’s magnificent gaze seemed to free something inside him. Her eyes were filled with moisture and he could feel her compassion and her understanding. It made him want to pull her into his arms and kiss those tears away.

  He ached with the desire to hold her, to love her with every fiber of his being. Jack knew he was terribly close to crossing a line he’d never even approached before. He used every argument he could think of to warn himself away from her. Even with all the logic, it took a supreme amount of self-control to stay on his bedroll that night. He didn’t sleep much, though. She was too close. She lay there, barely out of his reach. Her monster of a pet was stretched out beside her, but Jack knew the animal was no longer a threat. Sometime during the past days, he and the beast had made peace with each other. Watching her as she slept, Jack couldn’t seem to stop himself from wondering what his life might be like with her in it. It didn’t take a lot of contemplation to know that it would never be boring. Casey would always keep him on his toes. Her quick wit would keep him laughing and though he’d never tested it, he was positive that her passion would fire his blood to extreme levels. And that was the best reason of all not to step into that flame. Though it went against everything he thought he knew about himself, Jack couldn’t shake the certainty that one night in Casey’s arms would never be enough.